Difference between healthy attachment and inappropriate closeness

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Difference between healthy attachment and inappropriate closeness

So, an important question is, when does the line get crossed between a normal love relationship between mother and son and father and daughter and vice versa and one that’s inappropriate, where the child is meeting the parents’needs. Let me say first, there is a normal love affair between parent and child. Any parent knows that. They fall in love with their child. The child falls in love with them. It’s a wonderful experience.

And that is the early budding, if you will, the beginning of what the child will then take away into the world as their first love experience. And you want that to be a good experience, you know. You want to love your child. You want to let your child love you. There’s nothing wrong with that.

So I want to make sure I reassure parents that I’m not talking about loving your child is a bad thing. In fact, that’s a good thing. So, the normal love affair, and I call it that on purpose, between parent and a child is a wonderful thing. When kid says “I want to marry you mommy”, that’s not something they have learned on TV. It’s biologically hardwired. “I want to have babies with you”. It’s hardwired.

My son said to my wife at the age of five “I want to marry you and have babies.” I about fell over. In my second book title of which is “When he’s married to mom”, my son was six, he says “What’s the title of your new book, daddy”. I said, “Well, it’s called “When he’s married to mom”, he goes “Oh that’s a very good title”, he said. I chuckled. So, he was having a very sweet, innocent love affair. And there is nothing wrong with that.

But, if the parent then exploits or uses that in the service of her own, or his, needs of being lonely this violates the child. Frustrated with his or her partner, and they begin to chronically, frequently and often over time bring the child into their world and to meet their needs for conapnionship. I want you to love me only. That’s when the line gets crossed. This exploits the child, because the child naturally wants to love the parent. The parent is always responsible for holding the boundary.

For more information on parenting visit KidsInTheHouse.com